The nights of Grandeur are upon us and yet again I feel unprepared, even though I’ve had a whole year to prepare.
I ask myself – How will I make my perfect pitch when I hardly have anything to present?
I feel gutted.
Why didn’t I spend enough time accumulating worthy good deeds and refining my character to glamorize my resume?
Why is my knowledge of the Holy Qur’an so very scant, when the Holy Qur’an has at least 6236 verses?!
Why can’t I demonstrate significant development in my knowledge of the Deen? Why have my outreach skills regressed?
How will I present myself when there will be millions of others tonight with immaculate accounts on their resume, carefully recorded by His trustees – the angels Raqib and Atid. The other candidates will have harmonious voices sweetened by His recitation. They will have mastered advanced skills in detecting and dejecting the whispers of the accursed Shaytan even before they are heard. Their knowledge of the Deen will put me light years behind them and they’ll be flaunting their badges of good deeds with deserving pride.
Although Allah SWT has always said:
وَقَالَ رَبُّكُمُ ادْعُونِي أَسْتَجِبْ لَكُمْ – Call Me and I will answer you (Sura Al Mu’min:60)
In my case, I feel my distractions do not even render me to be a qualified caller.
So how else can I present my case to stand a chance of being listened to tonight?
Once again, I turn to find answers in the mundane everyday things that have kept me busy.
Will He accept my case full of petty excuses? Will He overlook my lapses? Will he consider my plight?
With the hope that
إِنَّ اللَّهَ لَا يُضِيعُ أَجْرَ الْمُحْسِنِينَ
Indeed, Allah (does) not allow to be lost the reward (of) the good-doers (Sura Tawba: 120)
So blessedly enslaved by motherhood….I plead my case before Him….
Ya Rabb! I’m sorry! I didn’t spare enough time to hear You talk to me through reading and understanding Your Holy Book. I am shameful and disgusted of how little I know about what it says, compared to the knowledge I have of other books and texts which are far less significant.
However, my Rabb, please accept my excuse when I say, I trained little hearts, mouths and ears to be more receptive to the Holy Qur’an. We recite the Holy Qur’an while waiting for the school bus and during car journeys. We listen to it at the Masjid and at bedtime. Although my own Qur’an looks untouched, their H.Qur’ans have curled edges from fidgety fingers rolling the corners during recitation. Mine contains hardly any notes but their Qur’ans have yielded meaningful crafts and activities.
Ya Ghaffaru, overlook this shortcoming this year, and help me memorise, understand and live Your words so we may become of the Muttaqeens.
Ya Mujeebu! I had planned to recite so many more duas than I was able to. I wanted to praise You with the best of supplications, lament using the best of Munajaats – ones that would carry me through hours and hours so I could get closer to You. Alas, at the end of the long day, my exhaustion overcame me and I muttered some quick garbled whispers instead.
O The Best of Responders! Let me explain my case – I helped tender hearts open up to You. I taught them how to raise their little hands and make dua to You in their own simple words. I taught them to call upon You when they fell down and when they were scared at night. Through fevers and after each achoo. At the start of a performance and at the end of a meal. So accept this excuse from me. Inspire me with Your remembrance and do not let me grow lazy in Your worship (Dua Makarimul Akhlaq by I.Ali Zainul Abideen pbuh)
Ya Shaheedu! I had intended to refine my concentration in Salaah, excel my dhikr and prolong my sujoods. I had ambitions to elevate my Salaah so it would raise me higher in Your Opinion. But most evenings, I failed to concentrate fully for as little as a few minutes when little hands tugged at my garment and little legs climbed on my back.
O The Best of Witness! Accept my ungraceful Salaah when I say, I was busy helping them coordinate their Salaah and teaching them to stand up straight in Qiyam. I Invested the time of long sujoods in positioning their chubby toes and clumsy knees instead. Ya Allah! accept this excuse from me and bestow Rahma in my strength, patience and love until I am successful in getting them to stand for Salaah out of love and longing for You, every single day for the rest of their lives, inshA.
رَبِّ اجْعَلْنِي مُقِيمَ الصَّلَاةِ وَمِنْ ذُرِّيَّتِي ۚ رَبَّنَا وَتَقَبَّلْ دُعَاءِ
O my Lord! make me one who establishes regular Prayer and also (raise such) among my offspring O our Lord! and accept Thou my Prayer
Ya Aleemu! You know how much more I wanted to accomplish by now. I wanted to make a difference, thank You for Your abundant blessings on us by helping others. But I’ve fallen short of my goals. I can barely get the everyday chores done, let alone reach out to others. No one knows of my exhaustion and aches like You do. The school pick ups and drop offs. Swim sessions and soccer practices. The piles of laundry and the dusty nooks.
So Hear me O All Knowing! Although, I haven’t been able to reach out to many outside my little cocoon, I have been teaching them to share and be tolerant of each other. Make friends and honour their teachers. Respect the neighbours and be kind to strangers. Feed the birds and water the plants. So I beg You Ya Kareem…be kind to me and bless me with abundance in energy and time so I can extend out to others.
Ya Hameedu! I had wanted to gain so much more from Majalises and know all relevant Aqaeed. Listen to inspiring lectures and all the tafaseers. Learn more about my beloved Prophet Muhammed pbuh and his holy family. Examine their characters and instill these traits in myself. But once again, my attention span at majlises was interrupted. The mere preparation and the journey of getting to masjid sometimes exhausted me. I could not take away as much as I hoped to.
O One Who is the Most Praised! Hear me when I say, they now choose to go to the mosque over a birthday party. They revere the Mawlanas (lecturers) and role-play as one at home. They even try to pretend cry out love for the Ahlulbayt just by watching others. They rush to stand next to me for Jama’a. I ask You earnestly to increase and further develop their relationship with the Masjid so they may never stray away from Siratul Mustaqeen.
Ya Rabb!These are just some of the areas where I fall short. I beg you to overlook them. Instead consider me as a favorable candidate to Your unconditional Love, speedy Forgiveness and everlasting Mercy
اللَّهُمَّ فَاقْبَل عُذْرِي
O Allah! Accept my excuse
يَا مَنْ بَدَأَ خَلْقِي وَذِكْرِي وَتَرْبِيَتِي وَبِرِّي وَتَغْذِيَتِي
O You who gave rise to my creation, to the remembrance of me, to the nurture of me, to goodness toward me and to nourishment on me
هَبْنِي لابْتِدَاءِ كَرَمِكَ وَسَاِلفِ بِرِّكَ بِي
Bestow upon me for the sake of Your having given rise [to me] with generosity and Your previous goodness to me!
يَا إِلَهِي وَسَيِّدِي وَرَبِّي
O Allah, my Master and my Lord!
Ya Qaadhiyal Hajaat! Accept the little petty things I have done instead of the big goals I made. Inspire us to do more. Help us take bigger and faster steps towards You. Be Pleased with our efforts and transform them to the best of actions, because only You are my Witness and Companion through this honorary assignment of being a mother.
For You it is easy, O Granter of all requests!
Inna Takabbal Minna Innaka Antas Sameeul Aleem2